The Teachers
by hartnettlover17
Summary: There wasn't a category for The Faculty so we put this under Pearl Harbor. A parody of The Faculty focusing mostly on Marybeth and Zeke. We're bad at summaries! Please R and R. Rated R for language and *scary* situations.
1. Default Chapter

Please note: We don't own The Faculty (thank god), but we do love Josh Hartnett. Thanx to the girls who wrote the Pearl Harbor Mystery Science Theater-we just went to a different movie.  
  
Hallie and Gina go to the movies, hoping to see their favorite actor in a hopefully scary, hip, exciting movie. Too bad the only true thing about the previous statement was that their favorite actor was in it...  
  
The movie opens to a high school football team practicing in their stadium. The coach is yelling and sweating profusely.  
  
Coach: Jesus Christ  
  
Gina: On a cross  
  
Coach: Get off the fucking field! God damn it!  
  
Hallie: Whoa, three words, ANGER MANAGEMENT.  
  
Gina: Wait a minute...  
  
The coach turns to his two star players and begins to yell at them.  
  
Coach: You ready to join the living tomorrow, Stan? You have got to feel the heat!!!!!!  
  
Hallie and Gina: As much as you must be feeling it, stinky!  
  
He throws the ball at one of the players and walks off.  
  
Gina: He's a football coach? He can't even throw the freaking ball!  
  
Cut to a meeting with the principal of the school. She tells each of them that they don't get anything for the coming school year, but the football team gets new jockstraps.  
  
Hallie: Yeah well judging by the fact that Josh is in this, they are going to need those jockstraps to contain themselves.  
  
Principal: I'm sorry, my frustrated hands are tied.   
  
Gina: NO THEY'RE NOT YOU JUST FLIPPED YOUR HAIR WITH THEM!  
  
The principal is locking up the school, while talking to a teacher.  
  
Teacher: The drama club had their hearts set on Guys and Dolls.   
  
Principal Drake: Well, maybe if they used last year's set from Our Town. Shit- I forgot my keys inside. Goodnight.  
  
Hallie: Uh oh. Scary music. If I were her I totally would not go back into that school.  
  
She walks down the hallway and into her office and goes to pick up her keys. She hears something and turns around, but suprisingly nothing is there!  
  
Gina: Wow that was unpredictable.  
  
She turns back around to get her keys, and when she turns around again, the coach is standing right there.  
Gina: Holy crap, I'm getting dizzy from all this turning!  
  
Coach: You're looking very nice tonight, Principal Drake. Do you happen to have a pencil?  
  
Principal Drake: Are you drunk? Yes I have a pencil, take it and go home please!  
  
Hallie: Geeze, I don't really wanna know what he's gonna do with that pencil...  
  
Coach: You're looking very pretty tonight.  
  
Principal Drake: Sleep it off coach!  
  
Hallie and Gina: With the pencil!  
  
Then the coach takes the pencil and stabs it through her hand.  
  
Hallie and Gina: OH MY GOD!  
  
Coach: I always wanted to do that.  
  
Hallie: Well I wanted to screw Josh Hartnett, and that hasen't happened.....yet...  
  
Principal Drake slashes her keys across his face.  
  
Gina: Finally she figured out what that blue key was for.  
  
She runs to the storage room and tries to open the window with her good hand.   
  
Hallie: God it's so hard when you only have one hand.  
  
The coach runs down the hall, blowing his whistle.  
  
Gina: Can't you just imagine our gym teacher doing that?  
  
She hits his head with a glass jar. She runs through the hall, towards the Exit sign. She sees one of her fellow teachers with big orange hair standing outside, waving to her.  
  
Teacher: I forgot my gradebook!  
  
Principal Drake: Jesus Christ open the fucking door!  
  
Teacher: Why?  
  
Principal Drake: He's after me!!!  
  
Hallie: MICHAEL!!!!!!! AUUUUUGH!!  
  
Gina: Wrong movie, you crust, he's from Halloween.  
  
Principal Drake turns around to see a dark emtpy hall, scary music is playing softly in the backround. She remembers that she forgot her keys (once again) in her office.  
  
P. Drake: Shit I forgot my fucking keys in my office. I'll be right back. Yell at me if you see him coming.  
  
Teacher: O.K. hurry.  
  
She turns around and runs to her office door, cautiously peeking through to see if the coach is still there. He's not, everything is dark, and her keys are laying on the floor where she dropped them. She grabs them in one swift movement and runs out. She looks down the hall towards the exit sign, and sees the teacher still waiting for her.   
  
Teacher: Miss Drake, he's coming!  
  
In that slow, kind of Michael-ish way, they manage to open up the locked door. She slams it shut behind them, just as the coach runs into the door. In the process, she drops her scissors she was carrying.  
  
P. Drake: Jerk.  
  
Gina: GO HOME WITH YOUR FREAKING PENCIL YOU CRUST!  
  
P. Drake turns to the teacher and breathes a sigh of relief.   
  
P. Drake: That was close.  
  
The other teacher stabs her with the scissors numerous times.  
  
Hallie: That's for the drama club!  
  
Teacher: I always wanted to do that...  
  
Hallie: Like I said...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Intros

We open again to a shot of Herrington High School, where all of these deranged teachers work. A car screeches through the parking lot.  
  
Hallie: This better be who I think it is.  
  
Josh gets out of the car and walks around to the trunk-while the camera follows his ass the whole time.  
  
Hallie and Gina: YEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
He pulls several pens out of the trunk and puts them in his pocket, slams the trunk and walks away. We go to a geeky boy getting out of the school bus. He has a camera around his neck, a sure sign that he is a dork. He looks at the head cheerleader while he is getting off the bus. An elbow comes out of nowhere and knocks him in the nosey.  
  
Gina: Ow.   
  
The camera freezes while he falls down. His name flashes in red "bloody" letters. Casey.  
  
Hallie: Oh my god the screen just froze.   
  
Casey: Sorry, my fault.  
  
A goth chick: Crash and burn, Casey.  
  
The screen freezes again.  
  
Hallie: HOLY SHIT. Nice name- Stoakly isn't that a last name?  
  
Stoakly backs into one of the jocks on the football team.  
  
Jock: You ok?  
  
Stoakly: Walk much?  
  
Gina: Ooh, that hurt.  
  
Jock: You ran into me, beast.  
  
Hallie: Gina, you beast.  
  
Gina: Shut up, crust.  
  
The jock looks over at the cheerleader who is talking to her squad.  
  
Cheerleader: Just keep the hair the same, no hairspray, no teasing, just elegant.  
  
Hallie: That's elegant? God I hate this freakin screen freeze. Delilah. That's kind of a dog name.  
  
The jock goes to kiss her  
  
Gina: Whoa brothers and sisters are getting close these days.  
  
Delilah: Oooh, Stan! These are Estee Lauder lips, they take 72 minutes to apply.  
  
She pushes him away.  
  
Hallie: Really? Cos you still look like shit!  
  
Stan: I have to talk to you about something.  
  
Gina: I'm pregnant  
  
Delilah: Stan, baby, not now, I have to find a new cover story for the school newsletter.  
  
Stan: This just might be the story you're looking for.  
  
Delilah: Do the words editor-in-chief mean ANYTHING to you?   
  
She walks away.  
  
Gina: Bitch.  
  
A blonde new girl is looking for the office.   
  
Blonde: (In a southern drawl) Excuse me, could you please tell me where the office is?  
  
Goth points in the direction, silently.  
  
Hallie: Gina, how did you get into this movie?!  
  
The camera freezes. Marybeth pops up in the screen. The camera cuts to Josh Hartnett walking down the hall. Sadly, it is not focused on his ass.  
  
Hallie and Gina: FINALLY!!  
  
Josh hands two guys fake I.D.'s. When they complain-  
  
Hallie and Gina: GOD THEY'RE SO MEAN TO JOSH!! (We have tears in our eyes).  
  
He hands them pens filled with white dust.  
  
Josh: Guaranteed to jack you up.  
  
The camera freezes and up pops Zeke.  
  
Hallie: That was not a fake orgasm, that was real.  
  
Gina: Ew.  
  
  
  



	3. Teachers lounging in the teacher's loung...

Ok before we start, Gina and I have to say that we can't make a comment about every single thing said in   
the movie. First of all that would totally be using a copywritten material (which we are already doing!), and   
second, it would be really long and boring (which also might be happening right now.) Please review!  
  
A teacher is walking down the hall of Herrington-some of the students touch him as they walk by.  
  
Hallie: Whoa! That's not right.  
  
He enters the teachers lounge, revealing most of the teachers 'lounging' around. (hahaha get it?) Salma   
Hayek is the nurse, and she is bandaging up a fat guy's hand.   
  
Gina: NO SALMA YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS.  
  
Jon Stewart is also there-he attempts to talk to Salma, like they are going out. We also see a geeky looking   
teacher sit down next to the old teacher. They begin talking. The coach (omg) is drinking and drinking from   
the water thingy in the corner.   
  
Jon Stewart: Just looking at him makes me wanna take a piss.  
  
Gina: Just watching this movie makes me wanna take a crap.  
  
The big orange haired teacher-Mrs. Olsen- walks in.   
  
Coach: Hello Mrs. Olsen. You're looking very pretty today.  
  
Hallie: Ugh. Next he'll start asking her for a pencil and then...  
  
Gina: AAAAAhhh—visual aid visual aid. GGGGAaaaaaa.  
  
Miss Burke. The geeky, but violent, teacher. She has a sign on her blackboard that say Kill Your Television.   
  
Gina: Wow.  
  
She writes Crusoe on the board.  
  
Miss Burke: Can anybody tell me what Crusoe's greatest fear was? (nobody raises their hands). Anybody?   
(Somebody's arm goes up.) Uh, yes. Zeke.  
  
Hallie and Gina: YYYYEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Zeke: Crusoe was afraid that he'd be stuck on that island forever with nothing but calluses.  
  
Hahahahaha.  
  
Miss Burke: No, Zeke. That's not correct. Crusoe's greatest fear was isolation.  
  
Zeke: Well, yeah. His external agony in no way compared to the internal agony of his existance.  
  
Hallie: Oh My God he's hot and smart.   
  
Miss Burke: (Smiling) Very good Zeke.   
  
Zeke: Like I said, calluses.  
  
Hahahaha.  
  
A locker opens and Stan shoves his letter jacket in it. He slams closed.  
  
Gina: What if his hand was still in there. That would be scary.  
  
Stan goes and grabs Delilah around the waist-  
  
Hallie: Security!  
  
Stan: We have to talk.  
  
Delilah: Not now, Stan.  
  
Gina: I have PMS.  
  
Stan: I'm quitting football.  
  
Hallie: Me quit football because me stupid and me no like Usher.  
  
Delilah: You're not playing?  
  
Gina: Did I miss something? What the hell did he just say dimwit?!  
  
Stan: I'm not playing ever. Maybe if I drop out now I can concentrate on my grades a little.   
  
Delilah: And what am I supposed to do while you're on a yellow brick quest for a brain?  
  
Gina: Ooh that was a good one.  
  
Stan: What?  
  
Hallie: Oogg. Me only know one word what what what.  
  
Delilah: The accepted social order is head cheerleaders date star quarterbacks, not academic wannabes.  
  
Ouch.  
  
Stan: Don't be superficial.  
  
Delilah: Wow. 4 syllables you're on your way, Stan.  
  
Hallie: NO! Su-per-ficial. It's only three.  
  
Delilah: Let me know how the cure for cancer goes.   
  
She walks away and Stan talks to himself, further proof that he IS a caveman.   
  
  



	4. Lesbians? I think not!

Sorry we haven't written in a long time. We haven't been in the "funny" mood—like we are ever. Ok here it   
is. Review please!  
  
Mr. Tate takes a drink out of his mug, which is (not) suprisingly filled with alchohol. He shakes off the   
feeling.  
  
Hallie: Oh my gosh! Is Mr. Tate based on Mrs. Kutzke? Hahahaa. (nobody else laughs) Ok then.   
  
He instructs them to read the wrong chapter in the book. A student in the class puts his earphones on.   
Somebody in the back raises their hand.  
  
Gina and Hallie: Please god make it be  
  
Stan: Mr. Tate?  
  
G and H: Damn.  
  
Stan: We covered that last week. We're on Chapter 6.  
  
Gina: (coughs) SUCK UP. Ahem excuse me.  
  
Mr. Tate: Whatever. Will the rest of you please join Stan in Chapter 6?  
  
Stoakley looks back at Marybeth who is taking notes like a good girl. Maybe they should get to know each   
other.  
  
Gina: I am sensing some lesbianism here. Just vibes are coming right at me.  
  
Another scene outside of the school, it's decorated with streamers and school colors. Marybeth pushes a   
streamer aside and walks to the table where Stoakley is sitting.  
  
Marybeth: Hi. I'm Marybeth Louise Hutchinson. I'm new here. Whatcha readin? You one of those science   
fiction people? Y'all believe in alternate universes and alien beings. What's your name?  
  
Gina: Foreshadow foreshadow, make me a match. Find me a find.  
  
Hallie: Shut up. Why does she tell everybody her middle name? I don't walk around like hi I'm Hallie   
Brownie Hartnett.  
  
Gina: OK. That's cuz that's not your real name.  
  
Hallie: So?  
  
Stoakley: Why do you wanna know my name?  
  
Marybeth: Because I don't have any friends, and correct me if I'm wrong but you seem to have one less than   
that.  
  
Gina: Is that possible? To have one less than zero? Negative one friend?  
  
Delilah: Stoakely! Seducing new students are we? Hi. I'm Delilah Nice to have you here. Don't you just   
love the way Stoakley accesorizes the different shades of black.  
  
Hallie: As opposed to the different shades of whore!  
Stoakley: Fuck you.  
  
Hallie: Good comeback.  
  
Delilah: You set such a bad example for your people.  
  
Marybeth (MB): What people?  
  
Gina: Just like that- What people? It's the game we play each week- What people?  
  
Hallie: Whatta blonde. And I AM blonde!  
  
Delilah: I hope you're not a violent lesbian like your newfound friend here.  
  
MB: I'm not aware of any lesbianism in my lineage.  
  
Delilah: Aah. Too bad. Guess you'll just have to keep lookin' for Miss Right!  
  
She says this to Stoakley who is getting up and leaving. She hits Delilah with her bag as she walks away.  
  
Stoakley: Bye polar bitch.  
  
Hallie: Aww she said bye to her.  
  
Delilah: Later.  
  
MB: Yeah.  
  
Marybeth puts her head on her arms and seems to contemplate the situation.  
  
Gina: Letsee- scary goth lesbian or popular girl who welcomed me. Tough decision.  



End file.
